my birthday was a few days ago. turns out that turning 21 is a real pain. i had to renew my driver's license because i realized far too late that it expired the second i crossed over the threshold of being legally allowed to drink alcohol. this might have actually felt like some sort of important milestone in my life, some important coming-of-age event, if i actually did drink. i don't drink, and i don't plan on it. i also don't know any people who drink, my family being very religious, and i also just don't have a lot of friends. so the only thing i really have to look forward to as i'm turning 21 and entering adulthood for real this time, is my new horizontal driver's license coming in the mail to replace my vertical one.

happy birthday to me.

i spent far too long on the bmv's website trying to figure out how to renew it online, because they flat out told me on the page that you can do that. i spent a good thirty minutes submitting documents and confirming my identity, only to get to the end of the process and get hit with a message that i would have to renew it in person.

having to go through all of this on my own for the first time made me realize that it's only going to get worse from here. adulthood is full of paperwork and making sure you have all identifying documents in order, and you're the only one who can be responsible for that. and if i'm being driven up the damn wall over getting my driver's license renewed, i'm afraid that i won't be able to properly function once i'm on my own and out of my parents' house. i'm 21 years old. i'm too stupid to renew my driver's license. i'm too burnt out for university. i'm still unemployed.

in high school, i thought i would have my shit together by now. but i don't. i'm more clueless about what i'm going to do with my life than when i was 16. i feel like i haven't matured past 12. and that's a little scary.

~

I've been thinking a lot about scrapping my current fantasy project. Not abandoning it, just letting go of my current draft. If I'm being honest, I only started writing it because I thought that I needed a cohesive story to get other people to care about this internal world I have in my head. It's not that I don't want to try and write a good story for my characters, but wanting to make it "good" has put me into this mental block. I know that my skill isn't that good, definitely not good enough to get across the ideas that I have in my head, and this fear of making something bad has made me afraid of making anything at all.

Creatives who become popular from working on their passion projects tend to get criticism for not being able to "kill their darling" because they're too close to the project. And yeah, when your making a large-scale project that requires a large team and studio funding, you have to keep the audience in mind. Your art becomes a product, and that product has to make money. When people critique that art, they're critiquing a product that they paid for. And in trying to write this draft, I find myself imagining how an imaginary audience might react to it.

I don't really have any intention on making money on the things that I create, because that always takes the fun out of things. I really only want to work on this project because it's fun for me. I care a lot more about the worldbuilding and designing cool characters than I do actually putting together a satisfying plot, to the point where writing this draft isn't fun for me. I still like writing, but I've found a lot more joy in my shorter projects over the last few months. I tell myself over and over again that I should be able to let go of projects that don't bring me joy, but I seem to struggle to take my own suggestion.

I'm at a point where I'd much rather have an art book of all my character designs and made-up lands than a full novel where I have to hold myself back from infodumping about the world. If I'm not creating to make money, than I don't see much point in keeping the audience in mind while creating. I'm not going to take it down; I think it gives some insight into the world that I'm trying to craft, but it will be discontinued in favor of creating a wiki-style portion of the website dedicated to compiling my worldbuilding notes.

I've spent way less time on tiktok over the past few days simply because I've been writing fanfic and working on my website again, so that took all of my energy. upon getting back on tiktok, I see everyone is freaking out about Disney firing Jimmy Kimmel and deciding to do a Disney boycott, and another side of tiktok was convinced that the rapture was gonna happen on the 23rd. what is happening??

Unrelated, but I should really push through on the rusty gold draft. get chapters into existence and only after I get to the end of this first trilogy will I go through and edit to make sure things flow better. writing everyday might be good to get my head back on straight while I look for job.

I used to write for this worrying that I wasn't any good and constantly tweaking little things, but I've decided i don't care any more. sure the true inciting incident doesn't happen until chapter 13 of what might be a 50 page novel, but who cares. I sure don't. the Ninjago worms have finally left my brain and I'm able to write things that aren't fanfic, and what I've decided to set my sights on is the fantasy project I took a break from months ago. I think I was just too overwhelmed with everything back then, now I'm able to come back to things with fresh eyes.

Your art doesn’t have to make money. It doesn’t have to be a career or side hustle. You don’t have to be the best of the best. You don’t have to be influential. You don’t have to be well known. You could have no audience at all. You are still an artist. If what you create makes you happy, that’s enough of a reason to keep creating.

You don’t have to be a content creator. The term “content creator” itself already feels a bit icky to me. The idea of only creating content for other people to consume and eventually discard. I refuse to consider myself a content creator, and I don’t think you should call yourself one either.

I’ve decided to start a media log in an attempt to be more mindful about the media that I consume. I remember back in high school I would endlessly consume movies and tv shows and books and comics, but not really process any of it. I feel as though I was incapable of forming my own opinions, because that required actually thinking for more than two seconds. And that would eventually open the floodgates to ruminating on every little thing I had done wrong in my life, slowly pushing me further down into the feelings of despair and hopelessness I was trying to avoid. So in came the years of mindless consumption, never letting my brain have a moment of quiet. Being left alone with my thoughts felt like a death sentence, which of course was ridiculous. I was acting ridiculous.

As much as I tell myself that I should make things for myself, I keep making them with this imaginary audience in mind. “If this hypothetical audience might find what I make bad or uninspired, then what’s the point in making it at all?”

Well, because it makes me happy. I genuinely enjoy creating things, even if they end up kinda shitty. And I think focusing on things that make me happy is the best way for me to keep my head on straight. I really do believe that if you are a creative person, you need to have a creative outlet. That creative energy has to go somewhere, or you’ll just drive yourself crazy.

I also love the art that other people make. I need to slow down and really appreciate other people’s craft instead of just trying to consume as much as possible. A quality over quantity sort of thing.

I think there is some hope to be found in new beginnings, which is what prompted me to start writing on my website again. I, of course, immediately felt stupid because I have no idea what I’m meant to write about. I just know that I have this urge to write, to make something.

I’m trying to force myself to get back into my creative projects. It doesn’t matter which one, as long as I’m writing consistently. And I want to give myself the freedom to drop the project if I’m not having fun with it. I’m trying to get myself to create mostly for mental stimulation. If I just let myself bed rot to my heart's content, I’m sure my ability to form coherent sentences is going to atrophy.

Create more than you consume!

Doomscrolling will be the death of you!

I can’t understand engaging with works only on the surface level. You don’t have to write an essay about it, but how can you not think any deeper about it. Books, movies, comics, music, tv shows, music, plays, etc etc. You’ll sit down for a 2 hour film, or listen to an entire album, and watch seasons and seasons of a tv show, and all you can have to say when you're done is “it was good”. It was good? Artists of all kinds put their heart and soul into these works and build the courage to put them out into the world, just for you to give it a passing glance. It feels disrespectful to engage with a work so passively. When writers can create such deep fantasy worlds that almost feel alive. When a song has lyrics that flow like poetry. When a painter creates pieces so detailed and vibrant. All the effort being put into these pieces of art practically begs you to give a closer examination. And maybe sometimes it just isn’t “that deep”, and the creator didn't put that much effort into the work at all. That doesn’t stop you as the audience from finding your own meaning in it.

Something you see over and over is people crying out “death of the author” only when a creator has done something horrible. People wish to keep engaging with the work, but no longer wish to engage with its creator. It seems strange to apply the idea of distancing the work from the creator on a case by case basis. I believe it has something to do with the digital age and being closer than ever to these creators, and in an age where a writer can send out a retcon in a tweet or add extra character information without creating a new installment, it seems necessary to think of all authors as dead. That whatever an author says outside of the work in question should not be taken into consideration when looking at the work as a whole. Death to the author. To all authors. Death to authorial intent. Once it’s been officially published it’s out of your hands. It belongs to the audience, and the audience is free to find plot holes and inconsistencies and unfortunate implications.

this book was very informative. a lot of it was just putting into words a bunch of disparate ideas i've had over the years just from being on the internet way too much, just in a way that actually makes sense by someone a lot smarter than i am. i also find it funny how quickly a lot of the references in the book will be outdated, but that's to be expected when writing a book about the internet.

Crying in H Mart by Michelle Zauner | started: 9/29/25 finished: 9/30/25

A book that I only picked up because i'd heard other people liked it, but didn't actually know what it was about. i thought it would be a light read because i just needed something to read, only to get hit with a heartbreaking memoir about the author loosing her mother to cancer.

I also didn't expect to relate to other as much as i did, seeing as i'm not korean and i've never experienced that type of loss. but the author speaks a lot about not feeling like she fully belongs anywhere. too american for her home country and too foreign for americans. the language barrier between family members that you love, but don't fully connect with since you can't fully understand each other.

an very quick read you can get through in one afternoon. it's very short but still manages to pack in twists and turns that had me at the edge of my seat like in Flynn's other works.

Good Omens by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman | started: 8/4/25 finished: 9/28/25

I went into this book without having seen the series on Prime Video, so I was going in more or less blind. I have to say the book was a lot funnier than I was expecting, a very dry and witty humor that I think is a bit hard to find. Or maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places. A very fun read.

This took way to long to get through not because the book is exceptionally long, but because I took a huge break after reading only 100 pages. Upon picking it back up this week, I managed to breeze through the rest of it in only two days.

Everything is Tuberculosis by John Green | started: 8/4/24 finished: 8/12/25

A very interesting read going through the history of TB and the way it was perceived over the years. In our modern world, most who suffer from TB are people who don't have access to medication, either because of supply chain issues or not being able to afford the full treatment regimen.

I liked it, but I was much more interested in the stream of consciousness type of narration. The story itself wasn't nearly as impactful as I thought it might be. Some parts stuck out to me, but the book as a whole felt a bit plain. Maybe it's because this is a 40 year old book that drew from real world events to craft the dystopian world, but it felt a bit like a product of it's time.

I won't be watching the Hulu adaptation. It apparently deviates from the novel after season one and I personally preferred the ambiguous ending we get in the book. We never even learn Offred's real name, and I like the mystery that comes with an unnamed narrator. It makes the book feel more like a diary, and I feel lie people neglect to mention themselves by name when their giving a first hand account. The way she narrates in this book makes it clear that she isn't a revolutionary, she just wants to survive. I almost prefer these types of dystopias, giving a slice-of-life view of this broken world, a cautionary tale without much hope for the people living in this world.

I went into this book wanting to love it, to preach that our current society is creeping slowly towards this sort of regime. I loved the style of writing, but the rest of the book was just okay. Maybe it would have been earth shattering if I had read it as a college student in 1985 when it came out. Now I'm just a bit desensitized after hearing about a pregnant woman who was brain dead and kept alive on life support to act as an incubator.

A lovely entry into the Avatar world, I look forward to reading the rest of the novel series. I at first thought there were only two books on Kyoshi, but I have just now found out there are actually four more books following Yangchen and Roku, so that will be very exciting. I enjoyed this with all my heart, but can only really recommend it if you are already a fan of the animated series.

My year of rest and relaxation | started: 7/26/25 - finished: 7/27/25

The audiobook was on sale so I bought it on impulse. I already loved the book and wanted to own the audio book. It’s been a while since I’ve read the book, and I only ever have the urge to read it when I’m going through the worst shit imaginable just to make myself feel worse, which probably isn’t the healthiest behavior.

I do find it a bit strange that this book had become the face of “girlbloggers” and “female manipulators”, turning this gritty and unfiltered depiction of depression into an aesthetic.

Our nameless narrator is truly insufferable, and that’s why I love her so much. She is clearly going through extreme mental health issues, and uses her wealth and privilege to deal with her issues in the worst way possible. She is so annoying, but at the same time I would have also tried to sleep for a year if I had the means to do so. I love Reva, but maybe only because she reminds me about the worst parts about myself.

Knights of Guinevere (pilot) | watched: 9/21/25

only one episode, but it's so good. very excited to see what this series will become (i am quite confident that we will get a full series)

yes i watched all of it in one day. i avoided the leaks for months, and after watching all of it in one sitting, i realized that i actually did a good job at avoiding getting spoiled on major plot points. the season once again did a great job of setting up intrigue for the next season and building up for long running side plots that have now had three seasons of buildup. very excited to see what season four has in store, and crossing my fingers that the next batch of episodes doesn't also get leaked.

LEGO Ninjago: Masters of Spinjitzu season 11-15 + Ninjago: Dragons Rising season 1-3a | watched - (i forgot)

I was doing a re-watch of Ninjago leading up to the release of dragons rising season 3b because hadn't re-watched the show in a long while. i was going to give my thoughts on each season as i watched them but then i forgot. oops. so yes, the only media that I've consume for nearly two months was Ninjago because hyper-fixation make brain go brr

this entire batch of seasons were animated by the studio WildBrain, and the animation quality and fight scenes significantly improved. i will say that by watching years worth's of content in such a short period of time, the difference between the WildBrain era of Ninjago proper and Dragons Rising is more apparent. the quality has only increased over the years, Dragons Rising having some of the best fight scenes and actions sequences of the entire franchise. the writing in dragons rising is also just a lot better at setting up interesting plots and character arcs because the show was written with the intention of having multi-season story telling rather than having to do self contained stories each season with sequel bait at the end in case they get green-lit for a new season.

anyways og Ninjago fans who hate on dragons rising or the WildBrain era in general are annoying and probably just hate change or when things are different than they were when they were a kid.

The Wonderfully Weird World of Gumball (pt 1 i think?) | Started: 7/28/25 - Finished: 7/31/25

Despite waiting years since the last instalment of Gumball, this really feels like just a continuation rather than a reboot or a revival. This new batch of episodes has the exact same sense of humor we saw in the previous season, just with more relevant pop culture references to make up for lost time. The animation however has definitely improved, a lot of scenes looking super smooth and fluid. I grew up with Gumball and the show has managed to keep the same vibe after all these years. A very fun watch, can’t wait for the next batch of episodes.

LEGO Ninjago: Masters of Spinjitzu - March of the Oni (season 10) | started: 7/28/25 - finished: 7/28/25

Only four episodes, so it was a quick watch on my current rewatch of Ninjago.

a very raw view of adolescence. it's another movie that tends to be treated by young people as an aesthetic mood board rather than a cautionary tale, which is sad to see time and time and again but you come to expect it.

The Long Walk | watched: 9/28/25

the announcement of this movie caught me off guard. i read this book ages ago and really liked it, but i was confused how it would be adapted into a movie. but once i saw the trailer i was sure that it would be able instill that same feeling of dread you got from the novel.

i don't understand people who think that the goal of walking indefinitely isn't that hard. maybe that's just because i have no stamina and feel my legs burning after a jog, but these guys are walking for literal days. no sleep. no bathroom breaks. it isn't just the physical strain of the walk that wears them down, but also the psychological effects of not sleeping and knowing you could die at any moment.

the movie doesn't shy away from the violence of the walk, considering it is a death game. fifty walkers, only one can win, so 49 have to die. and the deaths we see are brutal, "getting your ticket", bullets straight through the head.

it can be jarring how quickly the vibes can change. one moment the boys are just talking and shooting the shit, and suddenly someone gets their ticket.

Superman (2025) | watched 7/28/25

Peak. So fucking good. Amazing. Reminds me a lot of My Adventures with Superman. Superman should always be a cornball.